You'd better be stuck in traffic, Bernie.
Being stood up is not on my list of favourite things.
Bernie!
This is bad.
I'm still here. Everything's under control.
No! Everything is not under control!
I got caught.
- What do you mean you got caught? - You remember the spatula couple?
Uh...
I apologised. They came back.
For God's sake. You're so childish sometimes.
- You want to have an affair, right? - Can't you talk some sense into him?!
Look, I don't think that she's saying that.
You can't deny it - our sex life has gone to hell.
- It's not that bad. - It is!
I couldn't concentrate... The... the bickering.
And - oh, God - the straps.
The straps!
[ phone clicks and beeps ]
Oh!
You know, the stupidest thing is
that they... they think that I was trying to look up her skirt.
They think I'm a peeping Tom, for Christ's sake.
You didn't tell them what you were really doing, did you?
If I want to keep my job, I have to get a psychiatric assessment.
They're gonna start probing around in my childhood
and they're gonna make me talk about my mother
and then you know what they'll say.
Bernie.
They're gonna say that this is sick, Nat. They'll say we're sick!
- Stop it, Bernie. - Maybe they are right, Nat!
- Because maybe this is sick! - Shut up, Bernie!
Maybe we're sick! We are sick, Nat!
- We are! - Shut the fuck up, Bernie!
[ sighs ]
[ knock at door ]
Ah! Right. So I just got the bill.
- Hey! - Take a look at this.
Jesus. What?
Do you know how much it costs to get a Bentley... Bentley window fixed?
- [ giggles ] No. - Seriously. Look at those zeros.
Not like you to start worrying about money, Gus.
Oi.
Do I need to come over all macho here or something?
Fun as that would be to watch, he's actually a friend.
Yeah. We're just sorting out a misunderstanding.
Oh, really?
'Cause I never found that squeezing people's wrists
really delivered very good results.
It's OK, Sean.
This is Gus. The Gus.
The one that I marinated the lamb for six hours for.
The one I made dessert for, for Christ's sake.
The one who never showed.
- Absolutely disgraceful. - Yeah. Yep.
If you guys are gonna have sex you need to find a bedroom
'cause I need to eat down here.
I am sorry about the lunch.
BERNIE: They're gonna start probing around my childhood,
making me talk about my mother.
We're... we're sick! We are sick, Nat!
"First name".
Loretta.
"Surname, maiden name".
Hawkes.
"Occupation". No. "Last known address"...
Unknown.
"Spouse and/ or children's names".
No.
[ knock at door ]
Nat.
I've been trying to call you. You haven't been answering your phone.
No. Not for everyone.
I thought you might still need some time off.
No.
- What are you gonna do? - About what?
Alice in Wonderland.
I'm either gonna drug the bitch
and get a warning tattooed on her forehead
or... I'm gonna suck it up, get on with it,
be more careful who I play with.
Sure it's not too soon?
Trust me. Alice is... [ whistles ] ...down the rabbit hole.
OK. Well, then, er, I have a new client called Simone.
She's just moved back from Singapore. I'll set it up.
Great.
[ Lauren moans ]
[ gasps ]
[ groans ] Oh!
Ah! [ pants ]
[ groans ]
[ both laugh ]
Oh, yeah.
- I can't believe I was such an idiot. - Hmm.
What were you an idiot about?
- Wasting time. - [ mobile phone beeps ]
[ sighs ]
What's that? Home version of the end-of-session buzzer?
- Oh, shut up. [ laughs ] - Oh, no, no.
[ sighs ]
I need to make a call.
Should I get a flight there so we can travel back together?
Alright. I'll get you know when I've got the details.
OK, darl. I love you.
[ sighs ] Oh.
That was my daughter, Kate.
- From America? - Yeah.
She wants to spend her holidays with me.
Well, that's good, isn't it?
[ groans ] You don't understand how good.
[ sighs ]
But I think I just completely shafted our plans for next wee...
...kend. [ laughs ]
Can't think of a better reason to be shafted.
[ laughs ]
I'll be with you in a moment.
[ sighs ]
There. Hmm. It's off.
They can give me an hour's peace, surely.
Who's 'they'?
"International relocation experts" is what they calm on their paperwork.
Right. Well, that's them sorted.
Just leaves... us.
Simone.
Ah. I'm Sean. Nice to meet you, Simone.
Mmm.
Nat said you were in Singapore for a while. How was that?
Definitely had its benefits.
It's gonna take some adjustment.
Don't know how I'm going to survive without domestic help.
Huh.
- Close your eyes. - Is there a 'please' missing there?
Like I said, I've become accustomed to people jumping.
And I've learnt that some people like to be told.
Makes them feel secure.
You can take your clothes off now.
What did you do, Simone, when they didn't jump fast enough?
Did you have a little rattan cane...
...that you'd beat them with?
Yes.
Mmm.
Let's see if that butt of yours needs a spanking.
- Whoa! - Arggh!
- Shit! - Jesus Christ!
Oh, God. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Sh... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologise.
I'm sorry.
Been doing this very long, Sean?
It's not my first week, if that's what you're getting at.
Listen, um, I'm sorry. I... I...
I had something... bad... happen.
Someone hurt you?
Oh, it's not that they...
I guess it's more that I walked straight into it.
- I guess I'm still a bit... - Tender.
Tender. Yes.
Too, um... tender to continue?
A mere fleeting moment of tenderness, madam,
I assure you.
- Have you had sex already today? - Guilty as charged.
- Tell me it wasn't Gus. - OK. I won't.
Show him the door, Amy.
He's clearly got some kind of kamikaze thing going on.
Sorry?
Well, he proposes to what's-her-name, Lucy, last night
and inside of 12 hours he's inside of you.
Yeah. What can I say? I'm a hard habit to break.
How did you know about the engagement?
- Oh, it's in the paper. - Oh, yeah.
You did know about it, didn't you?
Yeah. Course I did.
I helped him pick out the ring, for God's sake.
Hi, Gus. It's me. Yeah.
Just calling to say thanks for popping round this morning
and to... congratulate you on the, uh...
...the long-awaited announcement of your engagement to... Lucy.
She seems...
...she seems like a lovely girl.
[ door opens ]
Amy, this came for you.
I've gotta go out a bit but there's business in the bar.
- Get yourself today, OK? - Sure thing, coach.
AMY'S DAD: Dear Amy, having a brilliant time.
Wouldn't you know it? Everything costs a fortune.
Yeah...
Bernie.
Bernie!
I think she wants to talk to you, mate.
Yeah. I'll catch up.
You are alive.
[ sighs ] It's not right. You... You shoudn't come here.
If you'd answered your phone, I wouldn't have had to come down
and see that you weren't hanging from your shower rail, would I?
I'm seeing a therapist.
She says she can cure me.
[ laughs ]
Cure you?
Did her qualifications come with steak knives?
I have to cut all ties... to the entire scene.
And... look, she said that...
...I can't be your playmate anymore, Nat.
Is this a break-up speech, Bernie?
Look, she says... said... She said I shouldn't even be talking to you.
You discussed me?
- I had to. - [ scoffs ]
To make this thing work, I've gotta be 100% honest with her.
She said...
Do you think I give a toss what your therapist thinks?
She said you'd be, uh, either angry or you'd beg.
We're both sick, Nat.
Well, she's a joke.
And so are you.
Go on. Run.
[ quietly ] Let's go.
Are you free?
You want me to follow that gentleman?
Can you take me here?
Oh, yes. [ chuckles ]
Is this it? Is this the place? Stop here.
Stop... Take me back to the city.
Excuse me, this is exactly where you asked me to take you
and the fare is $125 a trip.
- I want to go back to the city. - Then I want to be paid up-front.
I can't drive you back to the city
and then you want to go to some other destination.
No, no, no. You please pay me my money and please leave my taxi.
You don't think I have money? I have money.
So why don't you just take the cab, turn it around
and drive me back to the city?
[ quietly ] Young people today, too much of everything.
Drugs, drinks, boys with boys and girls with girls.
You... you look one very, very troubled young lady.
Don't call me "young lady".
Too late. Busted with a sad face.
I don't know about "sad face". "Sad breasts", definitely.
Where's the sewing kit?
Quit staring, Tess!
OK.
[ reads ] "Dear Amy, having a brilliant time.
"But wouldn't you know it? Everything costs a fortune."
You know where this is going, don't you?
"I'll probably spend the last two weeks eating instant noodles
"unless someone felt like lending me a few extra dollars.
"Pay you back. Promise.
"Love, Dad."
Oh, sweetheart.
He's such an arsehole.
And now look what you've done.
Don't send him the money.
Or I'll really hurt you.
[ phone rings ]
Lucy speaking.
Hi, Lucy. You don't know me, but my name's Amy.
What can I do for you, Amy?
I know your fiance, Gus. I met him in the course of my work.
You see, I know him intimately
and, um, well, I'm a prostitute.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh!
You right there?
Sorry. A bed-gasm. I think I've been up for 19 hours.
- Are you OK? - Oh, yeah. I...
I've got a stomach full of butterflies.
Speak, please.
God.
I haven't seen Kate for months and...
...she just sounded so different on the phone.
[ laughs ]
I hope I can hold her attention for longer than five minutes.
I barely spoke to my mum when I was Kate's age
but she was still the most important person in my life.
Kate hasn't felt that way about me for a very long time.
And I've just met this great man.
We are so fresh.
I just hope he's hanging around by the time I get back.
- I'm sure he gets it. - He's so sweet and tender.
[ laughs ] Well, not so tender, actually.
But then I don't have to tell you that, do I?
You've dined at the restaurant already.
My idea of a wild old time
might be the kind of sex that puts you into a coma, mightn't it?
I'm not touching it, Lauren.
Why not?
Oh, why aren't I getting into a conversation
about having sex with your boyfriend?
- Your bag looks heavy. - Yeah. I always pack way too much.
WOMAN: "Count yourself lucky, love.
"Sounds like he was in such a hurry to get back in the closet
"he caught his balls in the door."
I think his therapist took them as a down payment on his cure.
"Honey, his love map got made before he was five
"and any therapist who's claiming
"they can undo his hot buttons is... a quack."
Maybe they are right, Nat, because maybe this is sick.
We're sick! We are sick, Nat!
Run a mile, honey. Run a mile.
[ sighs ]
- You should be careful. - Oh!
Get lost in there.
Forget that there's real people in the real world.
Don't tempt me.
- How are you? - I'm alright.
- You? - Good. Fine.
- I need you to do something for me. - It may cost you.
I need a lift tomorrow.
Sure. Where to?
My mother's house.
[ car approaches ]
Does she know you're coming?
Is that a good idea?
I don't know, Sean. Probably not.
It's probably a very bad idea.
The whole thing is probably a monumentally stupid idea.
Or you can come back.
Are you coming in?
[ engine starts ]
[ liquid pours ]
I've got some milk and sugar.
You don't look like you take either.
Take a seat.
[ clears throat ] Our show horse.
- Were you a model? - Hmm!
I like taking photos rather than being photographed.
Used to walk past your school every Friday on the way home from work.
Everyone else would go to the pub but...
...seeing you in the playground, that was my once-a-week fix.
I didn't realise you were so close this whole time.
Hmm?
Would it have made it easier if I was 500 miles away?
I managed.
There's stuff I need to get on with.
I'm leaving in the morning for a show
so you'll have to come with me.
Why?
I'm assuming you came here for a reason
and, er, I'm not sure you got it yet.
Come on.
They're $600 shoes. Walking's not an option.
Hi there. Can I help you?
That would be Amy, right?
- So if you want to come back... - Mmm.
Mm-hm. Yeah. OK.
- [ laughs ] - See ya.
Hi. I'm Lucy Gallagher, Gus's fiancee.
Hi.
Thought we could have a chat.
Love to.
Er, ah, come through.
Thanks.
- It is Ally, right? - Amy.
Amy. You been a prostitute long, Amy?
Are you gonna get to the point?
'Cause soon this little chat starts to cost by the minute.
I don't know how much Gus has told you about his life,
about the kind of pressure he's under.
Um, we don't tend to spend that much time talking.
No. Now that I've met you, I can see he wouldn't find it worthwhile.
Let me give you the dot-point version.
Gus is under a lot of pressure,
some of it self-imposed, some of it form my family.
It makes sense he needs to let off a little steam.
What you need to understand is you're an amusement park ride, Annie.
Amy.
And boys go the amusement park for cheap thrills
but they don't sleep over,
they always go home, don't they, Anne?
- My fucking name is Amy. - Your 'fucking' name?
You have another one for when you're not fucking?
No, just the one.
And I don't know what planet you've been on
but, er, Gus does sleep over.
It might have gone over your head. That was a metaphor.
In fact, I'd say begging his way into my bed at 7am
after proposing to you the night before
kind of qualifies as, oh, more than a sleepover.
Metaphorically speaking.
Well, this has been lovely.
You're definitely pluckier than the last one.
But if you call my mobile again you'll be charged with stalking.
[ laughs ] Sorry. Sorry, I just...
I don't know too many magistrates
who'd call two phone calls 'stalking'.
Really? Have to come to a family dinner sometime.
You didn't know, did you?
Sorry, did I ask you to stick your nose into my business?
No.
There's something about watching someone
leap out of a plane without a parachute
that's forcing me to act.
Do we have to do this now? Happy to pick it up again in the morning.
- Sure. Tomorrow works for me. - Brilliant.
Or I'm up late if you can't wait until the morning.
Thanks.
Hi, prick. Amy here.
I just met Lucy!
Yeah. Wow.
She's gonna ruin your life and you know what?
You deserve it.
Now stay the fuck away from me.
You can drive back if you want to.
I don't drive.
You're kidding?! I don't believe it.
A couple of Year 6 drive-bys
and you think you've got the whole story pegged?
Yeah, well, I do know a few things.
You were so traumatised by swimming lessons
that you covered your eyes until you were nine.
Science was never a strong point but you were excellent at maths.
And you boycotted the end-of-school formal.
One of my prouder moments, I must tell you.
All that "prince and princess" bullshit.
Yeah, well, three facts don't make a life story.
I got more than three.
How could you know all this stuff?
Unless you're in contact with Nick.
- You ever met a guy called Burraston? - Unfortunately.
I used to run into him bit after Nick and I broke up.
If he felt in the mood
he'd occasionally drop me a crumb or two about how you were doing.
And what put him in the mood?
Arsehole.
No licence. Shit.
Oh, you want me to pick something
completely incomprehensible about your life?
Not unless you really want to.
Were you always into this...
Always what?
...into this horse stuff?
- Not always. - How long?
Oh, I don't know. Um, 10, 11 years.
Not when I was a baby?
- Nick wasn't, was he? - Not that I know of.
Do you miss him?
Not in the traditional sense of the word.
You?
I know you probably want the story
where he's threatening to blow my head off I come near you.
It's easier.
'Cause mums are meant to fight to the death.
He did what had to be done.
Oh, I was drinking too much, taking too many drugs.
I was screwing it up.
But I just couldn't stop.
It just got so obvious that you'd be better off
if he packed you up in the middle of the night and did a runner.
We were just kind of in limbo until he did.
Thought it would screw you up less.
Nothing like having your mum pray for something to run away with you
to keep you in tip-top shape.
- Did it? - You leaving didn't screw me up.
What did?
Who said I was screwed up?
You did. Sort of.
Hey. Not a judgement.
Some of the best people I know have got a solid streak of screwed up.
I think I'm gonna go...
Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think you came here for that.
You're going to walk away now
and come knocking on my door again in five years time?
Because you're too gutless to ask me?
I can only get reception on the road. Damn it.
Whatever it is, Natalie, ask me.
I have this memory. I don't know even if it's true or not.
I'm just a baby.
But you're washing me.
But you've got some kind of condition
and you can't get your hands wet
so it's not your hands that I'm feeling.
It's...
...it's rubber.
No?
No.
Is that what you wanted to ask?
- Don't go now. - Thanks for your time.
Natalie? Natalie.
Natalie!
I...
Natalie, at least let me drive you.
I'm waiting out the front now.
Look, I called at least five minutes ago.
Do you know how long it's gonna be?
OK. OK.
Yeah. Alright.
Shit.
Is it a problem?
Whatever it is.
It's not.
I don't have a problem.
I don't know.
Maybe I do.
I don't care.
I've lived, you know.
Seen things.
It saved my life, losing you.
It gave me a scar big enough to keep myself clean.
Look, maybe you don't care but I...
...I might never see you again and...
...I wanted to say thank you.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go wait.
You grew into a beautiful woman.
I'm just gonna wait up the road a bit.
SEAN: So, what's she like?
- She gave you that? - Nah.
Wow. She is beautiful.
So, come on, what's she like?
She's... I don't know. Hardcore.
A bit like you?
I still don't know why you went there in the first place.
There's stuff,
certain preferences they reckon are formed before you're five.
Like what?
Like you playing with your mother's lingerie
and you got excited
or someone smacked you for having an erection.
Loretta was around for the first two years.
I thought maybe she might have he answer.
You don't think that growing up in a brothel with Nick as your father
kind of covers most eventualities?
Nick has to take the rap for the dimple.
Well, can I just say the dimple is beyond hot?
The dimple, it takes foxy to this whole new level.
You can't seriously expect me to drink that.
Come on. It'll take the edge off.
- So, did you get any? - Any what?
Nice neat answers.
Hmm. It's usually bullshit anyway.
[ chuckles ] Yeah.
We so have to start work.
Oh, come on. Just...
Linley. Hi.
Hi. How are you?
Me? I, er... [ mutters ] ...I'm not uptight.
That's me. I'm not uptight at all.
How about you, Linley? How are you?
Good. Good. Thank you. Good. [ chuckles nervously ]
I'm sorry I walked away.
You didn't walk away, actually. You ran.
Very fast.
Is it bad?
I'm doing aversion therapy.
She describes a scene, something glorious,
and if I get an erection,
she pumps this stuff in my face that smells so bad it makes me gag.
I feel like there's a cage around my brain
and if I complain that it hurts,
then, it's just proof of how far away I am from being well.
I know it's the coward's way out but I've considered the medication route.
You know, a few pills to kill the sex drive.
No libido, no way of getting into trouble.
Just resign myself to living like a monk.
[ sharply ] Bernie.
I found another way. It might work.
And I was hoping you could help me try it.
Nat, will you give birth to me?
Let me think about it for a minute.
Hmm. No.
They say that some of us who were born caesarean
didn't get the primal bondage experience.
Yeah, you missed out on something.
Well, I didn't get the constriction of the birth passage
so I'll always hunger and hunger for it all the time.
I wish you could hear this. Really.
But if I had a birthing experience,
then maybe I might be able to control my urges.
- I am not doing it, Bernie. - Please, Nat.
- You've lost the plot. - Please. I'm begging you.
Get up, Bernie.
Please.
Rosie, you need to cover for me for an hour. Something I need to do.
Sure.
[ mutters ] I'm too busy giving birth to a grown man.
- I really appreciate this, Nat. - Shh.
You need to give me some... clues.
What kind of clues?
Clues as to...
...what turns you on...
...what makes you tingle.
Um, I don't... [ clears throat ]
I'm not sure.
You don't have to be ambarrassed.
You would be surprised at what turns some people on.
I'm not very adventurous, I'm afraid.
I mean, I've tried other stuff but...
...but the thing that really works for me...
Uh-huh?
...is plain old missionary.
That's fantastic news.
Push.
I...
...I...
Oh.
- Can you vocalise a bit? - What?
- Could you make some noises? - No.
- What? - No!
Please.
[ pants ]
- Are you alright, Linley? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's just perfect.
Oh. God, that feels good.
- [ purrs ] - [ grunts ]
Push. Harder!
- Oh! - OK.
- [ grunts ] - OK.
[ groans ]
- God, that feels good. - [ laughs ] You're very convincing.
I am on the cusp of giving you a full refund.
[ laughs ] Jeez, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You need to let me know when you're ready, OK?
[ both moan ]
[ grunts ]
[ both moan ]
[ moans ]
[ grunts ]
Smack me.
A-ha-ha-ha.
Er, there's no way I'm breastfeeding so don't even think about it.
Are you meant to have an erection, Bernie?
No, I'm not.
[ quiet chatter ]
Ah. The great mediator himself.
Can I buy you a drink?
Yeah, sure. Why not?
Hey. Can I grab a beer? Thank you.
I really want to apologise.
For the stapler.
I've got no control over my programming.
None of us do.
She must have been really taken with you.
How do you figure that?
You're the reason she tried to pretend
that she wasn't built the way that she is.
Hmm.
Hey.
To stationery.
[ footsteps approach ]
Well! No wonder Bernie looked so shagged.
Looks like you guys had a wild time in here.
Are you stoned?
No. Why?
I don't know.
You just look kind of stoned or something.
Mmm, nice client.
Nice interaction.
It's a bit embarrassing, really, but... [ sighs ]
...that's what I'm into.
- What? - Nice.
I'm probably pretty straight, sexually.
You are the straightest person I've ever met.
Really?
- Really. - Shit.
Maybe that's why I was so attracted to you.
I was trying to kid myself I was a bit more bent than I actually am.
Maybe I was trying to kid myself I'm more straight than I am.
Maybe.
We were never gonna last more than 10 minutes, were we?
Never.
Are you alright?
Fine.
I don't think I need to know why anymore.
- Yeah? - Mmm.
I think you only need to know why if you want to change things.
It might be nice to get stoned.
Hi.
Your receptionist let me in.
Sorry I didn't give you any warning.
I didn't have any way of calling ahead.
But if I did,
if you wanted to give me a way to call ahead sometimes, I, um...
...I'd use it carefully.
I wouldn't go overboard or anything.
Yeah, I thought it might be too much to ask.
I just...
...couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least offer.
You can't pin a tag on that says 'Mum' and that's that.
No.
That's what I thought.
But maybe at some point you could pin one on that says...
...'Loretta'.
I hope that's how it pans out.
I'm... I'm gonna... I've got to head off for a show today.
So...
Loretta.
Was I a vaginal delivery or caesarean?
Er, Nick had to go out of town for a few days before.
He was supposed to be back.
I was too scared to go to the hospital on my own.
I just kept hoping he'd come back.
16 hours.
But he didn't come.
And then it was too late to go.
SONG: # When the night falls on you #
# You don't know what to do #
# Nothing you confess #
# Could make me love you less... #
I never nearly owned something so beautiful.
# I'll stand by you #
# I'll stand by you... #
For someone who's screwed up a lot of things in her life...
...I felt at least like I gave you the best start I could.
Thanks. For telling me.
# I'll stand by you #
# Won't let nobody hurt you #
# I'll stand by you. #
Captioned by Grantman Brown